Dom does Noir - Part 1

My first words this morning were colourfully expletive, swiftly followed by another as it dawned upon me that I may as well sell my body for dog food, my soul already having become so crushed within the cogs of the machine that I cannot enjoy the simple pleasures of a snowy January morning.

As I made my way down the road. I tied my hat to my head and lit up a cigarette. The smoke coming from my mouth mixing with the fog and snowdrops. I already knew it was going to be a long day.The skies were a dull grey as I trudged my way up the hill to the bus stop. I could feel slush creeping into my shoes, dancing around my toes. I needed new boots. Problem was, I didn't have no money for new boots.

Work had been shit lately. I was hoping that it would pick up this year.

My name is Dominic Ellis, Esquire, solver of mysteries, finder of lost things and occasional lover of beautiful women and this is my story.

*****

I got on the bus. Looking out the window of the bus, the sun was just rising. It didn't help my mood much. The real problem is, I just can't get no sleep. Not since seeing my partner -and friend- Lord Jack 'The Knife' Roem get taken down. Jack comes from a big family, somewhere up north. They've got money, but his heart is only interested in adventure and romance. And Politics. They called him 'The Knife' 'cause of his sharp wit, not any special propensity for bladed weapons, which is a shame because he ended up getting a blade in the gut from a Turkish Sky Pirate.

Yeah, they're a thing.

I look at the time. Yeah, there's time. I get off the bus a few stops early. Walk into the hospital. I hate the smell of these places, they smell like stale disease and old people. I hate old people, but I haven't seen Jack for a week. I should have brought flowers, but then again, Jack might have got funny ideas. Heading to the ward, I see a pretty nurse. Give her one of my famous smirks. I can almost hear her heartbeat increase. I'm good like that. 

Walking into my partner room, i'm greeted by a pleasant sight. Jack's awake and he's got another pretty nurse leaning over him, changing his dressings. It's a pleasant sight for both of us, but I  have to ruin things.

I cough to draw attention to myself. "Hello, Jack."

*****


"Dom." Jack said, looking up at me from the bed after his nurse hurried out of the room. Dom's a nickname I've been called for a long time. I'm not going to tell you why, but I will say it's not just an abbreviation of my surname. 

"Jack." I replied, looking him over. I've got a little medical training myself, and I could tell he was still feeling rough. He would never admit that to me though, so he heroically sipped on a glass of port the nurse had left for him. It was after all, winter.

"Her nipples were hard." he said, breaking the emotional ice, if not the physical substance that covered the window panes of the hospital room.

"I know. I was looking when she left." I nodded. I found small talk enjoyable, but I quickly moved onto the business at hand, "So, this Ottoman moll who shanked you, you get a good look at her?" I asked him. He shook his head in the negative.

"Sorry, old boy, but I was a bit busy passing out from pain." he explained in a wary tone. "Besides, I thought that was something that you would be doing, seeing as you were supposed to be watching my fucking back". I grimaced, feeling ashamed.

"Sorry about that." I smirked, after regaining my composure. "I was a bit busy watching the moll who got you's back." He shook his head in frustration, but I could tell he was tickled pink inside.

"You are absolutely indefatigable, Mr. Ellis and would you stop calling her a 'moll'  It is not the bloody 30's and she was an absolute savage, hardly what you would call a 'moll'! You can't even get your bloody anachronisms right!" he said, and then followed up before I could respond with "Fortunately for you, I did catch the name of their vessel. It was the Mary Celeste."

The Mary Celeste. I recognized that name.. but from where?

***** TBC

Drinking Report

Last night first things first, we went to the Furze Wren, a nice little pub with some pretty barmaid who always races to serve me (it's because I stare intently at her and make conversation so she wants me to sit down quickly).

I drank one beer in there, and then Kels decided she wanted to buy some dress or something, so went to the shop. The men stayed in the pub for a little while to finish our drinks and then went out to smoke and to retrieve Kelly. Eventually we found her, she'd been to HMV to buy Buffy Season 2, instead of a dress as she are previously claimed. Thus proving, all women are compulsive liars.

After that, we went to the Wrong 'Un, which is alway packed on a Thursday with the hipster/scene kids or whatever they're called that go over to Club Sushi, which is a terrible little place full of hipster/scene dicks.

So, we have another beer, then decide to go over to Sushi, because Ollie won't shut the fuck up about it. A side note - as I went to the cash machine to withdraw a little money, a saw a man standing facing out of an alley taking a piss. Luckily, I averted my eyes before I was really scarred.

So, we go Sushi and find out that Ollie apparently hates the place, he only goes there because they have a good beer garden he can smoke in, and to remind himself how much he hates the place. Apparently. He is also proved a liar, when immediately he starts dancing and really enjoying himself. Can't trust the Chinese either.

On the note of his being Chinese, it was also pointed out he has more to his eyelids than Nathan, which is weird, because Nath isn't Chinese.

Anyway, so we had a few drinks (thanks for those shots, Kel!) and I realised that basically everybody in there was exactly the same people from when I had last been there 3 years ago. Had more drinks to help this fact, before Nathan and Kelly needed to go to the Cash Machine again. Did so, saw Phil heading to Sushi. Unsurprising. He was there 3 years ago too.

Got back from ATM, and Nathans ID didn't scan in properly, so our Anderson lookalike of a bouncer manhandles him out the door, and since Nathan drops a tenner somewhere, and isn't allowed to pick it up, he struggles back and eventually is held against the railings, being half choked as the bouncer summons the police. We get the tenner back.

Basically, whilst this was all happening, I was slowly rolling a cigarette with a look about me that says "This guy is hardcore, once this cigarette is done rolling, you are well done for"

The police obviously don't give a fuck about anything that's gone on, so we move onto the Kings arms, where we spend the rest of the evening in peaceful drinking and in my case wondering whether being fit is a job requirement for barmaids, or i'm just attracted to women who give me alcohol.

Alright, Fuck it. (Where have I been + Dublin Day One)

Okay, i've been having some little shits go on at me about making a new blog post recently so I have decided after an appropriate amount of Alcohol it is time for me to so (An appropriate amount for blogging is three pints - any more and my grammar would decline in quality)

Anyway people, what has been going on with my life lately? Well, firstly, I lost my job, secondly, I went to Dublin over new year and thirdly I slept with an American so I can now tick that country off of my list of nationalities I wish to sleep with (which consists of every country with at least one white person)

I guess I should go more into detail about Dublin though, since that is the most interesting of the three events. How to start... Well, I went there with Nathan, Kelly and Maria. The first two, being "A couple" or whatever that shit means stayed in a hotel together but Maria and myself, wisely being single beings decided to stay in a hostel, an experience I would recommend to anyone.

The first day of getting there, after a completely minging 12 hour coach journey, Maria and myself did the first thing anyone would do after signing into their temporary place of residence. We had sex. No, that was a lie, though Maria is blatantly gagging for a bit of the D-Train by this point. No, of course first thing we did was go entirely crazy and hide under other peoples beds taking pictures of each other. I also had the foresight to hide in the shower, unfortunately no innocent women turned up naked in order to shower. Insert sadface here. After Maria had finished her temporary bought of insanity (Loyal readers will know this is not a temporary thing for me) we decided it was best to "get the beers in" as the Irish Aboriginals say.

So we got the beers, and then had a sensible glass of wine, looking deeply into each others eyes... I go off topic. We went out for a cigarette and met an absolutely charming fellow named Sven, he was a lover geezer, but don't forget he's from Sweden... er Switzerland. Yes, we met him and then got more beers in and who doth appear but Nathan and Kelly, expecting us to socialise with them. Rather reluctantly, of course, we do so.

So we're sitting around, drinking and then like and suddenly realise than Sven is disturbingly lightweighted. We got over this fact, as Maria decided to get down to her old trick of lying constantly and persuading Sven that she was a Ballerina/Dancer/Singer/Daughter of Pete Townsend from 'The Who' a popular band. This goes as well as expected (very well) and we also manage to persuade Sven that I am a professional cage fighter (I certainly have the build!) and that Nathan is a former Man United Under-21s player.

We go out, we conquer, Maria and myself take to calling ourselves Esmerelda and François respectively. We joke about Chundering everywhere at which point Sven believes we are mocking him. MOCKING HIM! Bloody Swiss, they don't get anything. Nevertheless, he pissed off to find his own friends. At this point, after a couple of drinks, Esmerelda and Myself have decided to stop talking about Peru and are in fact singing "You're so Vain" a popular song. Shockingly, I say SHOCKINGLY! This exact song comes on in a nearby bar, so we are fated to visit it. We do so, and I get a Guinness, and level up for doing so.

So there we are the four of us drinking in a bar, when once again Esmerelda feels the desire for a cigarette and to lie to yet more strangers. Well, i'm not sure if she has an urge to do so, but she does so anyway! We are outside and a drunk tramp approaches us, who is soon shooed away by the bouncer to be replaced by a fellow from New Zealand, who immediatly tries to get into Esmereldas pants without even buying her a drink. Alarmed by these events and sensing the obvious distress caused by a lack of Alcohol, I intervene and suggest we go inside. This Kiwi, then asks whether I am "courting" Esmerelda, or "pursuing" her. Absolutely charmed by his manner of speak I tell him that no I am not, but he can fuck off anyway and we go into the bar, never to see him again.

At this point, we decide it is time to go home, so we get burning hot Pizzas (I love the taste of my tongue melting) and find our way home by navigating ourselves to the giant shaft (hehe, shaft) which dominates dublins skyline.

Faretheewell, tomorrow perhaps more of our adventures.

D-Train goes to Town!

Had an awesome night last night, and a good day at work today.

I hit the town as they say. Met my friends at Charing Cross at about quarter past 7, had a bite of Burger King and a couple of shots in the pub next to the station. We then quickly moved onto "HaHa" which is a cocktail bar, since on weeknights cocktails are £3 a pop til ten. Had a Lynchburg Lemonade first, then a Southern Gentleman. Finished off with a quick vodka and redbull and headed along to find the club (It was Cheapskates night at Moonlighting). We were already slightly tipsy from the whisky and the vodka and the like, and I believe Maria and Kelly had had their fair share of shots too.

Took loads of photos (to be uploaded later) and Maria and myself started Baywatch running across the road, almost resulting in a head on collision with a car. Then we got across the road and a crowd was forming and being an inquisitive pair of individuals we demanded to know what was going on. Free sandwiches for the homeless! I was tempted to try and get my grubby little mitts on one for myself but alas, we had more alcohol to find!

We were soon cornered by what I thought were Aussie tourists, asking where Zoo Bar is on our way to the club. I said "I'm sorrry, ignore Nathan. He is Dutch" being genius I am! Turns out the Aussies were from Amsterdam. We survived.

We moved on, Maria continuing to speak to strangers as is her way and getting pictures with them. This resulted in us all being taken to a bar and bought drinks. I was a bit suspicious of the fact that all the drinks seemed to be Italian until I looked around at the patrons and staff. Horror of Horrors! Our Quarrelsome Quintuplet had found our way into a bar full of Italians! We escaped, thankfully and found cheapskates!

Heaven! Blasted Heaven! 80p for Vodka and Lemonade! This is where I want to be married. The night went on, as nights do and despite my pleading, Maria would still not let me speak to her friend Sammy C because "I know what your like". I feel that is unfair, is it my fault I am so naturally charming that women fall over each other to take a ride on the D-Train (Disclaimer: Nickname invented by friends not myself)?

Stop ego stroking! I hear you shout! Get on with it!

Well, okay, if you insist. I went to go to the toilet as one does and a man approached me, holding a test tube. "Piss in this and give me your number and i'll get you a free drink" he growled, menacingly. Why would I need to do that? Drinks were so cheap anyways!

So, I pissed in the tube. You will all be happy to know that my urine is both healthy warm and of a wondrous clearness. So clear in fact they suspected me of having filled it with water. I had not. Having had my drink, I look for my erstwhile companions, when suddenly I hear a bellow of agony and see Maria charging for me! I step to the side and she runs into the boys toilet to throw up in a bucket. I know that look.

All was cleared up, we stood chatting when I hush came over the club. "Look it's Michael Barrymoore!" The crowds exclaim.

"Isn't that the tosser who drowned a kid in his pool?" I ask, obliviously.

"Yes, the one standing behind you" Nathan replies.

"Alright mate" I say, turning around and shaking Barrymoore's hand (In afterthought possible an unwise decision) Pictures were taken! Numbers were exchanged (By Barrymoore and Maria)! Invites to Barrymoore's house were given (To Nathan - What's wrong, Barrymoore? D-Train too man for you? )

Soon, however the night drew to close, as all adventures do. Mazzy-G, D-Train, N-Dizzle and K-Wad got the bus, and began to rest in preparation for work the next day. But what is this?! More Drama! K-Wad thinks N-Dizzle has said something bad, so they both get off the bus, tiffing, never to be seen again (Until the next day when it turns out it was a mishearing and all was good).

I am left with a drunken Maria, and not for the first time this night, I cackle with unbridled joy, and then getting strange looks decide to follow her example and sleep until the last stop where we got off. Being a gentleman, I hired a carriage for us to return our prospective homes and the night ended not with a bang but a whimper, as I remembered I had work in a few hours time.

Did best i've done in ages at work today, including selling a bunch of DVDs and CDs to Norma Major, Wife of Former Prime Minister John Major.

It's been too long.

Hello old friends, it's been far too long I know and for that I apologise. Unfortunately my excuses for my absence are much less exciting this time but maybe a bit more believable for those of you who for whatever reason did not believe my time travel story.

So, Dominic fans I hear you scream "Why? Where have you been? What caused you to abandon us?"

Well, there's no need to be so dramatic is there now? Well, yes I will be the first to admit I have been gone for far too long and without the slightest bit of a warning. The reason for this is simple and twofold. Let me tell you what I have been up to.

Firstly I have a job! Yes, I am no longer the unemployed dolescum that you so love, I am employed in a role other than that of diety. Yes, I am working... as a Telesalesman! It keeps me in the cash and is so simple I can do the job and (more importantly) be better than all of my work colleagues without effort. In fact, I believe if I worked at my maximum output for one day only I could single-handedly double the amount of sales that the company makes. Unfortunately for RPA I do not yet feel like bankrupting the competition as that would mean I would no longer be required - after all there would only be one company to buy all your computer and audio related goods from, thus negating the need for a sales team.

As I have mentioned, I work for a company named RPA Distribution (or River Pro Audio) who can be found here. Please take a look, we have the lowest prices in the whole of Europe for the quality of product we produce. Now, me being me I shall give a rapid run down of my work colleagues. We have Joel, who is the Managing Director, and semi-retired. Just under him and doing most of the running of the business now is Adrian. Then we have Adam, the advanced salesman who looks really like one of my old flatmates at Uni. On my team itself we have Dom, which is me who you should really know by now. Then we have Brad (Millwall fan, just got ahead of me in sales, temporarily), Kim (Chinese), Katie (Annoying voice, nice person).

We also have a guy and a dog in the warehouse, but we shun them as is only right.

So yes, now I have given that summary of work, I shall explain the other reason for no blogging. Poor Lappy seriously hurt herself and had to go to hospital, so I had to use the slow computer upstairs and couldn't be fucked with it. See happy now? I'll try to update with more important stuff in future. Jeez.

P.S This took the longest of any post of my life because I was distracted for like half an hour chasing a fly around my entire house. I was determined to catch it but the little bastard evaded me and eventually managed to fly out the window :(

I'm back!

So, I know I said I would be updating this daily, but seriously i've had a pretty busy couple of days. Now this is probably the time when any other blogger would explain that he got a bit drunk, went to a few house parties, maybe even make up some lie about being swarmed by beautiful women so being unable to get to his computer (though I should note at this point, any mention of beautiful is entirely fact - chicks dig Dom)

So, yeah where do I begin. Basically I was on the way back from an enjoyable visit to a close personal friends house on Wednesday when I saw the air shimmering in front of me. Now most people would blame this on drink or drugs or whatever, but it is a well known fact that I am entirely T-total. In fact if anyone so much mentions Alcohol to me I run away screaming in terror. Well, actually that's a lie, as a Domist a have a massive appreciation for all forms of Alcohol (except Strongbow which does... strange things it me)

BACK TO MY POINT

So, I was trying to get past this shimmer when some sort of crack in the pavement made me slip. I woke up and found myself in a small town, no phone reception, no computers, no nothing. I asked around to find out where I was. Luckily, I could speak the local dialect and I found out I was in the town of Nazerath or some sort of foreign name like that. I spent a few days chilling there, slept with some kinky little thing called Mary and whatever then woke up on the pavement as if i'd simply slipped. It was however, now friday. I gave Nathan a call, and stoic as ever he offered toletme come over and drink beer and watch football with him whilst I recovered.

I would have written this last night or earlier but I was so devestated by the football result and the discovery that the world is now massively different, that I thought i'd leave it a little while. Turned out that little whore Mary blamed God for impregnating her instead of telling her husband the truth. So yeah. I'll try to keep up in future.

Hamsters, Dentists and Free Beer

I suppose you could call today somewhat eventful? Well, maybe if you were a sloth but I digress. What I mean is today there were events. Not even capital letter Events, just small every day events which nevertheless I will share with you.

So, I recently bought a hamster. Her name is Cheesecake and she is an Albino. I have moved her cage. That is a small event, but it could have big repercussions as her wheels newly close proximity to my head would cause me to become nocturnal and thus improve my chances of becoming some sort of masked vigilante. Possibly with a hamster theme.

Also today I went to the dentist for some fillings. The Dentist offered me an injection because one of the fillings could be painful. I, being a Man, declined the offer, but if it made him feel better, I said I would whilst he was giving me my fillings, wrestle a bear. This made him certain I am a Man. It is after all Man Day. This allowed me to have the undoubtedly enviable experience of feeling a small Indian man using a drill possibly larger than himself to drill through my teeth. I could feel the very nerves screaming. Luckily, I am Man so I did not cry, I did not admit to the pain, I just got through it and was applauded for my manliness and well cared for teeth (and general appearance). As thanks for his service, Dr. Panwar and myself did a manly chest-bump. For we are Men.

Another event which is occuring for me today is FREE BEER. Bah, you may say, before I then go on to say more. It is more than free beer. A research company is actually paying me and my best friend money to sit there for an hour and drink their beers and tell them what we think. This is great fun. I think I may go to the pub afterwards in celebration. Of course, I was given muchos free beer the other day as well, after working the BBQ at the pub for hours but that was slightly dampened by the fact that my hard earned wages were also robbed on the way home and the pub has now lost it's licence (Unrelated reasons)